I used to set fire to puppies (this is actually a complete lie, I have never set fire to a puppy, I did however once inflate a kitten beyond it's normal recommended capacity), and in all my years of (non) puppy burning only one thing entered my mind: God damn I wish I could pull off wearing a hat.

You see, I'm one of those poor unfortunates, perhaps you've read about us, who just can't pull off wearing a hat without looking like an absolute tool. And it doesn't matter what kind of hat either - sun hat, fedora, cowboy hat, pith helmet, one of those fucking fruit-baskety things, it just doesn't work. And that goes for caps and beanies and berets too. Even bike helmets and balaclavas. Which is kind of ironic really when you think about it, given that you'd think that a balaclava, or in fact any sort of large sack like aparatus over my head would improve my general appearance, but no dice. Strange, but sadly completely and utterly true (hey, would I lie?).

I know many hat a hat wearer, and all I can do is look at them in a mixture of envy and disgust. You see, my hat apocalypse has left me quite the bitter and twisted person, even shiny things, for which I once had much love, have recently started to lose much of their lustre to me (it's heartbreaking, I know...). And I worry that pretty soon, one day, surrounded by hat wearers and their ever mocking head luggage, I'm going to just snap and go all clocktower shooter on their noggin covering asses. Not many people know this, but Columbine was caused over anger against the sheer number of backwards cap wearing cool kids that went to that school on a daily basis, flaunting their damn Nike air caps. "Look at me, I wear a hat so well I can even wear one backwards", yeah, lets see how you wear a bullet, fucker.

To make things worse, even my father can wear hats, in fact he has an abstractly large collection of various types of hat, all of which he can pull off with ease, which of course leads me to the obvious conclusion...I must have been adopted. Either than or there was some strange mix up at the hospital, a bonet was lost, and I somehow was accidentally switched for one of the normal children. But I'm not normal (you may have noticed this) for I CAN'T WEAR A DAMN HAT!

But one day, one day I will have my revenge against you hat wearing bastards, oh yes. Warn your children, hide your puppies, brace yourselves for the revolution. The days of zeig-hat are coming to a close. You tried to wipe us out, shame us out, breed us out, but we're growing in number, and soon, so very soon, we'll be coming for you. And your hats will burn. All of them. When you least expect it. All will be equal and right with the world. There will be no more hats. Anywhere. For anyone. And oh yes, it will be glorious.

You have been warned.


Sev.